I think people confuse being quiet with being nice, which is probably why I am often labeled a good person, but of course I am far from it. See I think it's just in my nature. When I was too young to care, I was a spiteful little kid who once smashed a bowl of milk against the wall and blamed my only friend, not to avoid getting in trouble myself, but in fact my intention had always been to hurt her. Then in kindergarten there was this kid that everyone hated, and on our way in from recess someone pushed him onto the ground and I helped him up. That's when I suddenly realized "I'm a good person." Then there was the religious brainwashing that I was subjected to both in Catholic school as well as home, which caused me as an elementary school kid to devote my life to service and humility. I used to hand out my lunch to other kids repeating to myself "What I have, I have to give away." Then, inevitably, I became a teenager. I think I held onto this "goodness" for a while, but by 16 it was going away. See all those years of being quiet and being humble brewed a seething resentment for all the people I saw as taking me for granted. I was exposed to the reality of life, as my friends were given everything and I was given nothing. I think my intentions were wrong from the start. I was good either because I thought I had to, or because I wanted something, but not because I ever really believed in it. And without the belief in a god, what use was morality when it got you nowhere? I'm hedonistic, narcissistic, greedy, insecure, and frightened. People always urged me to speak and "be myself," but they never bothered to learn who I really am, and that what I say is not worth hearing.
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